When Giving is Selfish

Last month I wrote about receiving. [Author’s note: since then I have gone on holidays, had a birthday, got my house ready to sell and quit my job. I hope my dear readers will forgive my absence.]

Today I write about giving, in particular the true origins of giving.

Some of us give and give, pouring ourselves out until we are empty and can give no more. We are depleted, spent and utterly exhausted.

How can this be when the purported benefits one gets from giving are so well documented and extolled?

I think the answer lies in the place from which we give, particularly in the area of what we do for those we love.

Speaking from personal experience, I once poured my entire being into someone who ultimately broke my heart into smithereens. No matter how much I loved, gave, encouraged, left him alone (while desperately wanting to do just the opposite); he could not offer the love I so wanted to be returned. He was like a black hole – the more I put in, the larger the void was.

At the time I saw this as confirmation that I must be flawed, somehow inherently unlovable. My self-esteem plummeted and I became even needier, in the sense that I needed some external validation that I was OK. If he could love me, maybe I could dare to do the same.

So where does this little jaunt down memory lane take us?

It takes us to the place where I began to finally see that all along my giving and giving had been SELFISH.

I had been looking for a payoff. It was like a deposit and I expected a return on my investment.

The root of all this was, of course, fear born of a feeling of not worthy.

I think that one creeps up on all of us, that somehow we’re not good enough. As kids we misinterpret Mom or Dad (or teacher or... ) being frustrated or angry or showing disapproval with our behaviour as a withdrawal of love. We decide that we need to be good to earn love, that we must DO something to get the love we want and somehow be different than we are.

How does this relate to our committed relationships?

The first point relates to having a deep sense of self worth, to loving ourselves. This all sounded like absolute BS from my elders who tried to tell me - until I finally GOT it. You can’t give what you don’t have.

The second point is that we all like to treat our partners and spoil them once in a while. Take some time to notice what you’re thinking and expecting when you give a gift, doesn’t matter if it is an actual present or the gift of a thoughtful act, doing a yucky chore so they don’t have to, or not doing something we really want to do so that we can spend time with them or the kids.

Are you hoping for brownie points?
Are you expecting something in return other than a thank you and appreciation for your efforts?
Does your partner owe you one?
Are you giving to get – get love, get sex, get forgiveness?

When doing something wonderful for our partner, we need to look deep in ourselves to see if we can send this gift off with no expectations or whether, deep down, we’re still looking for a payoff.

May you enjoy the gift of giving with no strings attached!